Saturday, April 21, 2007

10 easy steps: How to become an Intellectual in India

apr 22nd, 2007

yes, you too can do it. as has been demonstrated by many, it's easy to become a jholawala/wali regardless of your intellect or lack thereof.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: AH



How to become an Intellectual in India
 
For getting the status of an intellectual, the caste, religion, sex, age, language or any other regional or linguistic parameters are not a criteria.
 
 * It is easy to get the status, if you are a Hindu who always criticizes his own religion and sanathana dharma
 
* Your education qualification, actual intelligence, vocabulary, position, etc do not have any bearing for getting the status
 
.* You should always be little and denigrate Indian heritage and culture, whenever you get opportunity or even by creating opportunity.
 
 * Always make fun of Hindu dharma and ancient Hindu scholars, saffron colour, Omkar, temples and priests
 
 * You have to make the show that you have the authority to criticize Hindu dharma.
 
 * Try to find a good place in the electronic media screen and print media.
 
 *Keep a charisma for attracting the media people; give them whatever they need for doing so.
 
 * Keep the relation with them very strong.
 
 * Tell always the positives about other religion while degrading and denigrating Hindu dharma.
 
* This will give a good image as an 'impartial and unbiased scholar'
 
* You will automatically become famous as a pakka secular leader and other intellectuals push you up.
 
* What ever you say- think- or do look only for your personal benefit.
 
 * Take the opportunity to understand the future benefits also, even if the ruling ministers and ruling party change.
 
* Speeches should be so designed to get maximum clapping/ applause from the audience.
 
* Keep appropriate facial expression depending upon what and where you say.
 
* Create an impression that you are a sincere and dedicated leader of the common man.
 
* Use as much confusing words as possible so that in future you can easily change you words, opinions and visions.
 
 * Select words in such a way that nobody understands what you really mean by saying so.
 
 * If anything wrong happens in the future from your expressions you can easily put all the   blame on the media.
 
* You should never quote anything from Indian heritage or ancient Indian books because it is cheap to quote indigenous knowledge.
 
 * Quote always the Russian, Chinese or even from Iraq leaders.
 
* If you are compelled to quote from India, quote only from Jawaharlal Nehru's words.
 
 * For justifying your view point take quotations from great (late) foreign scholars even if they have not told so.
 
 * This will help you in the long run because those leaders will not come back for questioning you.
 
 * You should only be careful to note that when and where you are quoting.
 
*Use as many quotations as possible from foreign scholars of your status for denigrating Indian heritage and culture.
 
 *You can use even outdated scientific data and observation for this purpose.
 
*You can add your own words while quoting their words, because nobody is going to verify those statements.
 
 * Only try to create an impression that your quotations originally belong to a great foreign scholar. * Inform indirectly, the audience that you also read books.
 
 * your speech, or writing should never give any doubts to your audience or readers about its authenticity and originality, even if it belongs to others.
 
*Never praise the past – present and future India.
 
 *Never do so for Sanskriti and make it a point that you never quote from Sanskrit books.
 
*Keep this in mind even if you are delivering lecture in Sanskrit institutes.
 
* You can see many intellectuals of your type in almost all the Sanskrit institutes, Ayurveda colleges and Vaastu gurukulam
 
*share your views with them for further degrading our cultural heritage.
 
 * If you have time to spare tell all the memorable negatives about Hindu dharma in Sanskrit institutes also. So that people will appreciate you secular, rational and scientific vision
which can even fetch you some Sanskrit based awards.
 
 * Due to the circumstances, if you are forced to say something good about our heritage, take all precaution and say as though you are quoting from a foreign leader.
 
 * But create an impression, that you are also an authority to talk about India and inform indirectly that you also know about Indian culture at an equal level to some of our prime ministers.
 
* Keep in your mind that even when you protest against cocoa cola, Pepsi and American multinationals use similar words against Indian contribution to science or technology.
 
 * Appreciate only foreign scientists and scholars, if possible from Russia or China.
 
 * Belittle and denigrate Indian scientific and technological heritage whenever and wherever possible and encourage younger generation to do so.
 
 * But make sure that your children are studying in reputed excellent dharmic institutes where Indian culture is taught to the core, preferably outside your State.
 
* If you have the qualification to read the school books and happen to read any heritage knowledge in the syllabus, proclaim that it is Hindu fundamentalism and the protest against the move towards Saffronisation, Hinduisation, Indianisation and so on.
 
* If you have enough followers and they have courage, declare a Hartal against all type of saffronisation.
 
 * If you are quoting the words of someone, try to make sure that the name of the scholar is not familiar to the audience, and also see that the book is not available in printed form.
 
* Tell that the 'particular' scholar said it in Rangoon or Korea, in 1938 Feb 28th.
 
 *Make sure that nobody verifies your statements or quotations
 
 * Since your future as an intellectual remains exclusively on how many press conferences you hold and press release you give, make sure that at-least one per week is done.
 
 * You can get sponsorship for the expenses without any difficulty
 
* Express your shock through media on the sad and sudden demise of other intellectuals.
 
 * Try to become one of the speakers for giving felicitation address in as much meetings as possible.
 
* Praise the organizers as much as possible, which will benefit you in the course of time.
 
 * Try to participate in funerals processions, chain making, group running for building patriotism, etc. if possible be in the front.
 
* Stand near by the famous people so that your photo also will appear in the media.
 
 * You elevate all useless (of course useful for you) fellows, in return they will elevate you, so help each other
 
* Always put the first signature in mass memorandum, preferably in presence of the media photographers.
 
 * Do not follow law and order; this can get a place in media easily.
 
* You have to say that you are violating the law and order for the people.
 
 * Even if you lack professional or technical qualification, try to get a seat as syndicate or senate member of the Universities, or at least as Devaswom Board president, or Chairman,
etc which does not need any qualification and quality. Getting higher position as the Toddy Workers Welfare Board, Fisher Men Welfare Board, etc., need higher qualifications.
 
* If the press reporters or general public ask some general question to you, say 'you know much better than me' and save yourself.
 
* If the situation goes little negative and more questions flow on the same subject, tell something about Aryan Invasion.
 
* If the situation further worsens and more questions come, criticize the caste system in Hindu dharma.
 
* If nothing else is available for saving yourself from the press people tell something negative about Amma, Swamy or Guruji, and declare that all the present problems in India are created by them
 
*Make sure to tell good about Mother Teresa, Bukari Imam and St Xavier Francis, even though he has destroyed 480 temples and converted thousands of Goan Hindus to Christianity in Goa.
 
*Or as the last tool, before attempting a walk out, tell that all the problem including Tsunami, Katrina, Rita, Wilma and the Plague in Surat and Iraq problem are all created by Sangha Parivar organizations.
 
*Talk like a genius who can speak about any subject at any time.
 
 * In foreign countries, before delivering lectures, do not 'drink' too much, even if the organizers are giving free
 
* See that your tongue is not slipping while delivering lecture.
 
* Make sure that you read from paper, in foreign countries if you have consumed drinks beyond the limit.
 
* Remember that it is natural many intellectuals consume more when they visit foreign countries, because better quality and unlimited quantity liquor is available free of cost for the guests.
 
 *Still keep a 'natural seriousness' of an intellectual in your face.
*If you are sure that your control on leg and tongue is loosing, give the written matter to one of your colleagues to read, if he has a better control over his body.
 
* Create an impression that you are not 'speaking' because of jetlag or you are tired
 
* Tell in one line that "I am not well and hence giving the paper to so and so to read my message".
 
* Try to build your own style in using words and hand action during speech
 
* If you cannot build an original set of natural action during for the speech, copy the method
followed by someone who is no more.
 
*Try to build up associations 'fans' or followers.
 
* Criticize any Indian at any level either going up or down, but keep a minimum standard while criticizing a foreigner.
 
*You should always remember that the memory of the 'reacting people' is less and really memorizing people will not react.
 
*Whenever you are contradicting your own earlier statements, inform the audience that it is because of their ignorance they feel that you are contradicting the earlier statement.
 
 *Make the audience feel that you know about India also.
* While talking something about India, ask what happened in 1936 Feb 29 ( after making sure that it is a leap year), as though something happened on that day.
 
*If you are forced to resign from some position due to your criminal background, tell that it is for the people you threw the position and tell that let the people decide on your quality.
 
*Declare those statements with dignity and at low voice.
 
 *If you get some negative points on others from the newspapers, use those statements appropriately in your speech. Create an image that you are also aware about what is happening around us.
 
 * Make the people aware that you know what are all happening in Iraq, Houston, Iran, Korea,  Lanka and also in Mizoram…
 
*Quote something from Ethiopia and never say anything negative about Tianen men square or Cuba.
 
*Never say any negative about Kashmir and Nagaland or the activities of the minorities in those States.
 
*Tell anything negative about Military or police action in Kashmir or Nagaland making sure that you do not touch anything against minorities.
 
*Even if you have to say something about minority fundamentalism, say that it is due to majority fundamentalism.
 
*At times when you have to tell something about yourself, tell politely with tears in eyes that you are a freedom fighter, and son of the great freedom fighter so and so (give the name) who worked with Mahatma Gandhi and Jinna.
 
* You have to say proudly that you have inherited the dharmic values from your parents, also patriotism and nationalism, which is in your blood.
 
*Whenever you have to apologize do it boldly and say that you are apologizing for the people and nation.
 
*Express your gratitude to the great scholars for elevating you to this level after making sure that those people are already dead.
 
*While expressing your gratitude, try to become over polite and if possible weep or make weeping sound.
 
* Create an impression that you are a simple man.
 
*At the time of apologizing create a philosophical environment by quoting Bhagavad-Gita, even if you are quoting wrongly, no body is going to ask any questions because generally the audience who come to listen to your speech, will be ignorant about Geetha.
 
*Whenever you have to change your vision and opinion, tell that opinion is not iron pestle. Hence change and changing the opinion are the rule of the nature.
 
*You can even suddenly jump from atheism to religion, because everyone of the atheists does it in the last part of their life.
 
* If you feel bad for doing so, tell that you have done it for your wife.
 
* Also inform that you will repeat it for your wife, so that no body will criticize you.
 
*While delivering lectures to Christians tell that in the next janma you want to be Christian, to the Muslim audience tell that you want to become a Muslim, in the next janma.
 
*Tell them, in your speech that Upanishads and Vedas are taken from Koran and Bible.
 
*Try to attend 'all religious meet" as a representative of Hinduism and tell negative about Hinduism. It will be printed in big letters in media.
 
*Learn two or three lines from Koran or Bible and quote appropriately for getting the applause.
 
* Give as much good messages from Hindu books and tell that these are all from Koran and Bible.
 
* You will definitely get many more chances.
 
* Remember many speakers are charging Rs.3000+ TA + 'something' for delivering such lectures against Hinduism in Kerala.
 
*If you are a failure as an 'intellectual speaker', write books by copying from some old foreign books in full or chapter wise.
 
* Remove few lines here and there add something special, without grammar mistakes, give a novel title and release the book.
 
* Take sponsorship from wherever possible it will fetch you the livelihood for many generations.
 
* Take the 50 :50 share, if you are giving the inauguration session for contract.
 
*Spend some money for getting a court ban on the book, file a petition, this will give enough publicity for the book.
 
* Intentionally put few controversial lines in the book, so that getting a ban becomes easy.
 
*There are many Christian writers who write about Hinduism, they will help you how to write on the subjects in which you are fully ignorant.
 
* You can start writing against Hinduism first, with their help, so that the marketing is easy and building your career also becomes easy.
 
* Many churches and Christian agents will help you directly and indirectly for propagating your anti Hindu messages.
 
* Be in contact with the media people, whenever you are travelling.
 
*Offer a cup of tea or something and keep the friendship strong always.
 
*Build relationship with five star hotel owners, workers, toddy shop workers union, minority leaders during travelling from place to place.
 
*This relation will have life long benefit for an intellectual.
 
*When you get some award, tell that at this age you are not thinking about the award.
 
* Give some money to some organization and tell them to give half of that as an award to yourself.
 
* It is the easiest method for getting awards.
 
*When you stand for receiving the award, keep a philosophical facial expression that you are much beyond the level of accepting an award.
 
* By following these techniques, you can spend your manushya janma fruitfully for making enough money, position, name and fame, even though it may not have any use for anyone other than yourself.
 
*Definitely some ministers will inaugurate your bust/ statue for the crows to sit.
 
* They may also venture to put your name for some drainage canals.


TIPS FROM KERALA INTELLECTUALS TO ALL INDIA LEVEL INTELLECTUALS!
 
*Support the minorities always even when they destroy temples, go for terrorism, do anti national activities, attack police or media persons.
 
*Keep silence against all minority mooted terrorism.
 
*Always justify the bomb blasts, killings, storing weapons in houses and religious institutes, if done by minorities.
 
*Do not say anything about foreign fund flow for conversion and terrorism.
 
*Partake in hartal for releasing the terrorist leaders and put your signature in mass memorandum.
 
*Be an active human right activist for minorities only.
 
* Support UGC salary for the urdu and Arabi teachers in Madrasas even though they are illiterate.
 
*Support grant for building Madrasas, mosques, and pension for mullahs and moulavis.
 
*If a Hindu priest is murdered, do not utter even a single word, but a sand particle fallen on minority priest, straight away blame Hindu fundamentalists.
 
*If any Hindu institute is taken over by government justify it with powerful words.
 
*If minority gundas attack the press people, tell to suspend the police or taking action against the police even though they were 200 kilometres away from the site of attack.
 
*Always speak against the atrocities against minorities by majority community and police, particularly when the election season approaches.
 
*If the heritage subjects are to be included in the syllabus, divide it 1:1:1 for Hindus, Christians and Muslims.
 
 * For the Muslims support Arabian history and for the Christians something from the life of St George, St Philomena or something what happened in Jerusalem.
 
* If your supporters destroyed public property, say that it is the second freedom struggle.
 
* If others did so tell that it is against democracy.
 
* If your followers attach police or police station say that it is the second Chowri Chowra.
 
*If your followers happened to be a killer, make sure that he gets the pension for freedom fighters.
 
*Justify Gherao, hartal, bandh if and only if your followers did it.
 
* When you approach to old age, tell that you are not an anti hindu.
 
*Declare that your wife going to temple and you accompany your wife in the old age are personal affairs.
 
*When you follow religious customs, make it sure that no one tells it publicly.
 
 * Select your own cast for the post of son in law and daughter in law, even when you fight vigorously against cast system.
 
* If you are an atheist, say that even in Russia and China people go to Budha vihar. So you also follow their footsteps and that too for seeing what is happening in Hindu temples.
 
* You should know that all intellectuals, atheists and progressives in Kerala go to temple when they cross the age of 65.
 
* You have also to find a suitable justification for that like Kerala intellectuals.
*Remember that for getting the certificate of an intellectual, no quality or qualification is required.
 
* Neither poorva janma punyam, poorva janma karma phalam, blessings of your parents or blessings of your gurus nor even your horoscope factors.
 
*You should only learn how to use your eyes, ears and tongue.
 
*You should have a thick skin and highly flexible tongue, suitable friends and adjustable wife.
 
*All the above special qualities are given only to very selected people by the creator. Hence the intellectuals are very few in numbers.
 
*If you fall within this, you can spend this janma lavishly, under others expenses, without working much, with name and fame. Your janma can be made useful to you and your family, by cheating others and making everyone fools.
 
*Let god bless all intellectuals who are the assets of India for misguiding all the good people.
 
SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM IISH COMMUNICATION TEAM. ( www.iish.org)

2 comments:

Sage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Non Carborundum said...

Off topic -
Stupid Mani Shanker aiyar ruins asian games bid

http://www.rediff.com/sports/2007/apr/18kalmadi.htm